Six Types of Writers on the Internet

Hallo, people of the writing world (and anyone else who happened to come this week)! I’m afraid I don’t have anything fancy today. Some major changes to a WIP plus a new school semester have taken up much of my time… but then I couldn’t just leave everyone hanging, so I wrote a quick, funny little post that will help us get through the week. Here are six kinds of writers you can find almost anywhere on the internet- and for the record, I see a bit of all of them in myself, so someone else is bound to find them relatable too. Enjoy…

The self-pubbed teen

Probably published one full-length YA novel, three fairy tale retellings, and five hundred blog posts while working two day jobs, all before graduating high school. No one knows how these teens do it, but there has been talk of sorcerous tricks. After all, these people are usually homeschoolers; no one really knows what they do during the school day. Hmm…

The social media guru

Defined by a tweet:

Just wrote 500 words with only one cup of coffee 😂😂😂 lol I love my #writerslife! #amtweeting

The snowflake activist

Except he/she/it isn’t actually a snowflake, but rather a forty-something trying to fit in with the millennials by writing blog rants about perceived injustice. Activists have the rare skill of finding something offensive in every single book and are thus impossible to satisfy. The activists: proudly exposing every brand of istphobia since 1970. Writing optional.

The marketer

Similar to the guru, except that marketers tweet, post, and pin for the sole explicit purpose of getting you to buy their books. Attention, interest, desire, action… every rule you learned in your sophomore business class comes into play with this writer. You can click the link to learn all about this new book, and you should totally enter this giveaway for a chance to win it. Heck, there’s probably even a Twitter account and hashtag devoted to snippets and promotional banners.

The whiner

Isn’t everyone (read: yours truly) guilty of this? So much trouble with a particular WIP or character. Cannot even function after a long day of work. Has no time to write. Sympathy-seekers always have either an extreme case of writer’s block or a truckload of feels; there is no in between, and nothing good ever happens to them in their tortured artistic pursuits.

The self-conscious Literature major

#writing is a real job #it’s bleeping hard #I am not required to live up to your expectations of a so-called “real job” #because writers are a whole new level of human beings #our imaginations are deep and refined #places where reality is translated into possibilities and what-ifs #and without writers your life would be meaningless as bleep #so I am not defined by your opinion of my writing #which is why I took the time to write this very long and insecure tumblr post #and if you can’t appreciate my magnificence #try writing your own bleeping book #get back to me when you finish draft one #dropping the mic

That’s all, folks! Do you fit in any of these categories, or is there a seventh kind of writer that I neglected to mention? Chat in the comments!

What a Writer Does When She’s Not Writing

So today I finished the “final” draft of Alen’s War.

How’s that for some bathos?

I didn’t want to think about biology or literature or any other such college stuff, so instead I dressed up three of my siblings as well-to-do 1920s folk and dragged them to a school parking lot. Then we filmed a slapstick video about the misfortunes of a dandy named Charlie.

Why do I share this on the writing blog? To prove that the old “show, don’t tell” rule is easy enough for anybody to understand- including my ten-year-old sister. Check it out:

So now you know.

APRIL FOOLS!-An Announcement and a Formal Apology

I owe all of my blog readers an apology.

What can I say? Until a few days ago, I had always been prejudiced against vampire romances and such. I had always been reading so-called “Christian” or “family-friendly” reviews that slammed these sorts of novels, accusing them of writing flat characters and dark themes, not to mention all the other sticky content which parents are so overprotective about. In my blind state, I had promised myself that I would never read any vampire novel. At last, though, I finally sat down and read Twilight.

It changed my life.

Never before have I seen such poetry, such art, such beauty as in the Twilight trilogy. The concept was earth-shattering. The election of the story was superb. The characterization was the finest that I have ever seen. Bella is now a role model of mine, and Edward… oh, Edward, he was sooooo bae. I want to cry just thinking about it. As soon as I finished the last page of Breaking Dawn and closed the book, I had been challenged. I could never hope to write to such a level of excellence, but I could make it my life-goal to try. Farewell, epic and science fantasy. Paranormal romance, here I come!

So I am sorry, blog readers, for preparing such harsh judgments about vampire stories and other Gothic novels without giving them a fair chance. No genre should be subjected to such discrimination. I am going to change my life for the better. No more Tolkien or Austen for me; it’s vampires all the way now.

But, as Rafiki says, “the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first foot.” For my first foot, I decided that I’d join Camp NaNoWriMo and write my first pitiful attempt at the art of paranormal romance. Because I can. So the verdict is in, and I am writing vampire romance based on Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre.

I can’t tell you much about it, but I can tell you that there will be vampires, werewolves, fairies, and all other sorts of fantastic beasts, that it is set in a little rainy town in Germany, and that Dracula just might have a cameo appearance. We’ll see, I guess. The story is also inspired in part by the metaphysical dissertations of Charles Lutwidge Dodgeson and Mary Ann Evans in the eighteenth century, so it will be a blast.

Now, of course, I have never read Jane Eyre, but who cares? Everyone knows the story. Anyway, if a book isn’t a paranormal romance- and Jane Eyre is not- it was never worth reading.

Before you comment, fellow writers, you should know one more thing… 

APRIL FOOLS.

You didn’t really believe I would do such a thing, did you?